You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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