im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
