I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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