Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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