I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
