Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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