Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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