You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Couch. On fire.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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