why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm experimenting with sincerity
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
