I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
And then he peed in my hair
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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