do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
