I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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