So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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