Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
