remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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