hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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