the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
