We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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