Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
