Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
