saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
