He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
