Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
