Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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