You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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