there's paper in my vomit.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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