we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
we're so committed to being not committed
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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