I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?