I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
