I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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