what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
