I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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