Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
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She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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