i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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