I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
