tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
