You're completely useless in the revolution.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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