I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
