can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
