Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There r osticjed everywhere
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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