fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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