My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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