Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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