I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
They took my balls.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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