I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
