On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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