Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My ass is underappreciated
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
