my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
