Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
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She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
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Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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