Someone shit on the floor
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
