why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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