i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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