Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
