insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
