do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
