The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
