i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
