do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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